There is a fabulous website that we have just discovered for our fathers who
are going through this ordeal of separation. It actually has some great
"essential tips " for keeping you on track. Quite apart form your legal side of
separation and Divorce. At the time of adding this to our site in early 2009, it
appears to be in line with Journey principles, and the type of advice we would
give.
Here is the link for your information
http://www.mends.com.au
Also I have copied the following information form the ABC news site, and I
acknowledge the writer Mr Stephen Pincock as the author of this work He has
really hit the nail on the head and I hope this helps any men who are going
through these bad times.
The web site is below.
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Divorce: a man's survival guide
A better deal for men
Dealing with the basics
Dads and their kids
Getting help
More info
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Most guys don't see the signs and when it happens they walk around like stunned
mullets.
Divorce: a man's survival guide
by Stephen Pincock
If you’re a man facing separation and divorce, the way you respond to the crisis
can make a big difference to your health.
Published 22/03/07
It's been 20 years since Michael Green and his wife divorced, but he can still
recall precisely what it felt like. "I was shattered, and felt a failure," he
says. "There were times when the whole experience rips your guts out."
Green was working as a criminal lawyer at the time, and he remembers well how
raw feelings would sometimes threaten to spill over into his working life. "I
was very emotional," he says. "There were times when I was making a plea on
behalf of some prisoner and I'd find myself having to hold back the tears."
Green's experience may ring bells for a growing number of Australian men. In
2004, the Australian Bureau of Statistics recorded 52,747 divorces-an increase
of more than 20 per cent from 1984.
A closer look at those statistics reveals that 41 per cent of applications for
divorce were lodged by women. Another 28 per cent were the result of joint
applications, leaving men as the initiators in 31 per cent of cases.
As those numbers might suggest, separation comes as a shock for a good
proportion of men. "Most guys don't see it coming," says Tony Miller, founder of
the nationwide support network Dads in Distress. "They don't see the signs and
when it happens they walk around like stunned mullets."
To dull the shock and pain, some turn to alcohol and drugs, or they can become
violent. These behaviours in turn can start a further downward spiral of
difficulties. Depression and suicide are not uncommon outcomes.
A better deal for men
The good news is that there are now much better resources and services for men
facing a relationship crisis and its knock-on effects than in the past.
Bill Hewlett, a counsellor from Relationships Australia, says counselling
organisations have previously tended to approach the issue of divorce from a
female perspective.
"Men find that the only processes they're offered to deal with [the fallout from
separation] are ones that are alien to them – to sit down and have a chat over a
cup of tea."
But things have changed for the better. "Separated men should take the risk with
organisations that they suspect will be unsympathetic because they might turn
out to be more sympathetic than they think," he says.
This is important because part of the problem for men coming to terms with a
marriage breakdown is that they tend to clamp down on their emotions rather than
talking them through with friends and family as women might.
"Men in Australia are raised to shoulder things and soldier on, not to go
weeping and wailing to others," he says. "Men can often be seen as indifferent
to suffering, but I think it's actually a case of them trying to minimise the
problem and make things better."
This sense of isolation can be deepened by the fact that men often lack the
supportive networks that women rely on, says Hewlett. After divorce, some men
find themselves excluded from friendships and social groups that had been
initiated by their partners in the first place.
"A man's sense of identity, for better or worse, is defined by his wife,
children, local community and work," adds Michael Green, who has written a book
Fathers After Divorce and co-authored Shared Parenting, which shows how
parenting after separation can work.
"The big problem is the question of identity. One day you're in the family
culture, so to speak, and the next you're out." Without that framework, he says,
men find themselves not knowing where to turn.
Dealing with the basics
One key difference between the challenges facing men and women after divorce is
the fact that men tend to be less well equipped with domestic survival skills.
"When I left home, I could hardly boil water," remembers Michael Green. "But my
mother handed me a Commonsense Cookbook and told me to do something about it –
and I did."
Others are not so lucky. Over the years, Green has talked to numerous divorced
men who "come home, have a beer and a counter-meal for dinner, don't have the
energy to exercise and end up living in a grotty share situation."
His observations seem to be supported by medical research. For example, in a
recent study of nearly 39,000 men, researchers from Harvard School of Public
Health, Boston, USA, showed that divorced men eat significantly fewer
vegetables, and tend to smoke and drink more than married men.
Research shows your ability to cope with trauma is greatly enhanced if your
energy stores are maximised by a good diet, regular exercise and nourishing
sleep. A good general practitioner can be invaluable in getting support with
these issues. (For more information read our Consumer Guide: How to find a GP.)
Turning around bad habits takes time, but exercise in particular is a good place
to start. Even as little as a brisk half-hour walk a day can promote the release
of chemicals that relieve stress and help you sleep better. Making the decision
to start exercising also makes you feel empowered rather than a helpless victim.
And there's nothing like an improved appearance through weight loss and better
muscle tone to combat feelings of rejection.
top
Dads and their kids
But recharging yourself physically is only one aspect of taking control of your
recovery. Experts stress there's much to be gained from seeking psychological
support from others.
Relationships Australia's Bill Hewlett says men who come to counselling these
days "get a lot out of it". One technique that men find particularly valuable is
called child-inclusive practice, he adds. This process involves getting the
input of children and using it as another means of helping separating parents to
resolve conflict. "We've noticed that dad's have responded very well to hearing
... from their kids," he says.
In the middle of the crisis his marriage breakdown caused, Tony Miller found he
had nowhere to turn. So he decided to create his own forum, and put an ad in the
local paper.
Not long after, he and a group of other men sat out on the veranda of Miller's
house in Coffs Harbour and began talking about their experiences and feelings.
In particular, they spoke about the loss they felt in being separated from their
children. A large proportion of divorces in Australia involve kids, and many of
the men who have been through the family courts feel the system has been
weighted against them gaining access to their children.
In the six years since then, that meeting has grown into Dads In Distress, a
support network with 45 groups across Australia that see 400-500 men
participating on a weekly basis.
"A lot of guys refer to our meetings as a pub with no beer – you get to talk
about how you're feeling and still remember it in the morning," he says.
"Everybody in that meeting has been through it. It's okay to come and talk about
how you feel. It's okay to cry, there's nothing wrong with that."
It's also important for men to acknowledge that their relationship with their
kids has changed, notes Michael Green. Divorced men need to "come to terms with
the fact that it has changed and get through the anger and hurt.
Seeking help is vitally important, he says. "The men that make the real advances
are ones who get themselves into a program. It helps them realise they're not
alone in this position
http://www.abc.net.au/health/features/divorce/
